Sacred Writings
What is Jackalopy? Who is the Almighty Jackalope? Why the hell should I care? If you're asking yourself any of those questions right now, well, you're probably out of luck. The Jackalope doesn't like elaboration. He doesn't like to explain himself. I barely know what to make of Him myself. Sometimes He claims to be a god, other times He scolds me for believing Him. Mostly He just laughs. He says some things. Some of them even make sense. I choose to serve Him. The most I can tell you about Him, though, is how I met Him.
One day, whilst whiling away some unneeded hours of my life sitting in a park, I chanced upon a squirrel. It was a fairly ordinary squirrel to my eyes, wandering here and there, scrounging about on the ground for it's customary winter horde. When it saw me walking near it dashed up a tree, as squirrels will do. So I proceeded to walk by, and felt a tiny but solid thud against my back. I turned and at my feet lay an acorn. Looking up into the tree, I saw the squirrel chatter furiously at me, and throw another acorn at me, this time hitting me on the collarbone. Flummoxed, I merely stood there as the enraged creature threw most of its hard earned food at my head and chest. When it ran out of things to throw, it began to race up and down the tree trunk repeatedly. As I turned to leave, not knowing what to make of this world I had stumbled into, I noticed two other squirrels lurking nearby, their coal black eyes watching me, their tails twitching in what I can only imagine to be utter contempt.
That was when He came to me.
It seemed like the whole world slowed and stopped as I turned my head to the left and saw standing there a four and a half foot tall jackalope. I just stood there, once again dumbstruck. He blinked at me, then motioned with his head over to the two squirrels, frozen in midstride as they were running in my direction. He didn't say anything then, but I understood. These animals were now my enemies, and they were enemies to be wary of. But He could help me, if I would help him. All this I knew just from the one glimpse into His eyes. He wanted me to tell people about Him. Finally He spoke. "Fliegen kinderscheiße," he said to me, and at that I was Endarkened.
It seemed to take forever for me to find my way back into the light, and when I finally did, I was amazed to find myself crawling out from under my bed, safe at home. For a time I thought I had merely drunk way too much the night before, but I've seen Him regularly since. Just recently He asked me why I hadn't bothered to make a website to promote Jackalopy (That's ja-KAL-o-pee, not jak-uh-LO-pee), so here we are. Read what He has to say. Try to understand, but if you don't, you're no worse off than me.
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